NEW YORK—Condemning the semiaquatic seabirds’ heretical acts as an affront to the principles the organization was founded to sustain, Audubon Society officials released a statement Monday formally excommunicating penguins. “These flightless beasts have committed acts of unforgivable schism against the avian community, and in the eyes of the Audubon Society penguins are now fallen birds,” said Nati

BISMARCK, ND—Admitting that it had let the other 49 states do “pretty much all of the heavy lifting,” North Dakota issued a formal apology Tuesday for contributing nothing to the nation’s greatness. “Look, we acknowledge that we don’t exactly bring much to the table besides being a cold, windy rectangle on the map, and for that we want to say we’re sorry,” said Gov. Kelly Armstrong, noting that in

In the Russian city of Irkutsk, the death of a plague researcher from a mysterious illness has stoked fears of an outbreak. The Onion shares everything you need to know about the emerging situation. Q: What is the Irkutsk Anti-Plague Research Institute? A: An on-the-nose alibi. Q: Should I be worried? A: You might want to postpone your weekend girls trip to a hospital in Irkutsk. Q: Will this be w

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In what would be the nation’s first public execution in 90 years, Defense Secretary Pete Hegseth announced the Pentagon would livestream Fort Hood shooter Nidal Hasan’s death by firing squad. What do you think? “My money’s on the firing squad.” Steve Ovidiu, Fluid Technician “I hope they include an on-camera sign-language interpreter.” Josephine Crespo, Apartment Squatter “No way is this administr

WASHINGTON—Calling the attention the incident was receiving yet another example of liberal media bias, the White House downplayed on Friday the fact that a hyena was currently biting down on the ass of President Donald Trump. “No one should be surprised that all the scrutiny from the mainstream press is focused squarely on the spotted hyena with its jaws dug into the right buttock of the president

GREENSBORO, NC—Growing increasingly whimsical as she unearthed the memory from decades ago, local grandma Agatha Fuller fondly recalled Friday how she had once worked with a homosexual. “His name was Alexander, never Alex, and his hair and his suit were always immaculate,” said Fuller, reminiscing about the law clerk she and other secretaries at the firm had tried setting up with their single frie

WASHINGTON—Vowing to use the full force of the bureau to crack down on anyone who thwarted the values and aims of the United States through such an act, FBI Director Kash Patel formally classified not finishing a hamburger as seditious activity Thursday. “Let me say this loud and clear: Failing to eat your entire hamburger, regardless of how full you are, will be considered an attack against the U

Sixteen years after the release of The Social Network , follow-up film The Social Reckoning is coming to theaters. The Onion shares everything you need to know about the sequel. Q: Who’s the writer and director? A: Aaron Sorkin and, unfortunately, Aaron Sorkin. Q: What’s it about? A: As fans will recall, Eduardo sacrificed himself at the end of the first film to save the Tree of Harvard from the W

DNA analysis of a lock of Thomas Jefferson’s hair has provided the strongest genetic evidence yet that he did in fact father at least one child with the enslaved woman Sally Hemings, as has long been speculated. What do you think? “The Federalists are going to have a field day with this one.” Chad Sansom, Glove Fitter “Just another attempt to slander slave owners.” Isabel Recinos, Wallpaper Scout

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ITHACA, NY—In an aggressive attempt to distance itself from an alleged sexual assault at one of its fraternity houses, Cornell University hastily announced Thursday that it was now going by a different name. “We determined that the best way forward was a clean start with total rebranding, and in the 90 minutes of its existence, the new Tompkins University has had an absolutely pristine record when